I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
