she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
being pregnant is like rehab
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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