Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
