I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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