1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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