I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
