I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
