I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
