Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
