Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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