You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
