Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
