Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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