I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
