At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
