The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
