Capitaan dildo arrescate!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm really busy with my period
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