I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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