areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
