He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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