Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize