I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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