He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
