Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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