sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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