Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
