she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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