How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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