how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
