There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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