Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize