if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
