Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
