He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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