Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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