I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
