All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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