Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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