my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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