is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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