dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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