she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
