When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
