So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
