i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize