If that was your dad, he is hot
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
