please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
