how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
