come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
