She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
