Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
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