Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
