im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
