omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How external is "for external use only"?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
how does that bad decision feel?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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