I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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