last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
