Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
