So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
