My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize