hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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