Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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