It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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