I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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