god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
