having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
